A THERAPIST'S ROUND TRIP TO HELL (Back to contents) It was me.....though hard to believe when I viewed myself in the mirror for hours together, which had reflected a face with absolutely no smile or cheer, perhaps of an eternally unhappy soul. Two months had passed since I had arrived in the United States as a foriegn therapist ( or as an "alien' according to the US govt ! ) My father's then recent death, the initial adjustments I had to make to the new environment, weather, language, culture etc., had affected me deeply, but still were not the full reason for my slide into a depressive episode. The catalyst for this mood was the humiliation I suffered in a nursing home I first worked, at the hands of a co-worker who took advantage of my ignorance of the new culture, my mild personality and my weak language skills. The tactics he used shook my little confidence I had possssed that time. All of my grief had accumulated in me, but I let no one know because of shame and ego. Eventually, I started experiencing physical symptoms. Minor things would frighten me. My breathing took an uncomfortable pace. I lost sleep and would cry behind locked doors or alone while driving the car.Driving became difficult and storm of fear would grip me . That pain combined with fear sat tight in my xiphoid process . I started losing directions easily. At work the situation got much more complicated. The staff meetings and patient care meetings would seem to be a nightmare to me, since my articulation of speech would be abruptly cut off, with words hanging in mid-air, as my thought process had begun to suffer damage. The trauma became so intense at one point that I feared my fading knowledge could cost my job. I was even unable to admire the beauty of the fall season when it arrived. Also my vain efforts to change the attitude of my merciless co-worker failed. To the friends & roommates with whom I lived, I was obviously a poor company. Throughout this episode, not one but several friends gave me a helping hand. If I had to point out one single person responsible for my victory over this illness however, it would be an intimate friend to whom I would ask at least a dozen times a day, " Will I be alright ". Surpassing all the extreme symptoms, it finally occurred to me that I should return to my motherland India, no matter what people think about me. I had by then vainly taken my licensing examinatiions in which I apparently flunked. Deep in my mind I had remembered my friend re- emphasising to me before boarding the plane, that the only solution to this problem would be to try meditation and exercises. When I arrived in India, my brother-in law took me to a place where I was re-born as a man of high self esteem and courage. The "Temple of Consiousness" as it is called is situated in Neyveli, South India. The head of the temple became my Guru and I had recovered remarkably fast to everybody's surprise. By the end of my fourth class I was capable of narrating my personal experience via an audio-taped message to the several members assembled there. This slightly modified "Gundalini" Yogic meditation is a form of idealistic and illusionary where a person paradises to focus on the ' Centered Consiousness" in an easy posture, founded by Yogiraj Vedhathtri Maharishi who runs the World Community Centre in the city of Madras. It is based on the theory that changes in climate, planetory movts & hereditary character impact our bodies and function. To shield from these we have to train ourselves the various means to increase the self defence mechanisms, by exercising both the body and mind as they are directly proportional to each other. Apart from its therapeutic effects, the ultimate long term benefits are decreased fear and anxiety, resulting in a worry free soul and blissful life. A couple of months later I returned to the US fully re-vitalised. Before leaving India, I had fallen in love and became focussed on my efforts to get married. It was an added balm to my aching soul which brought new miracles in my life. Not long after, I flew home to India once again- this time for my wedding. I returned to the US hoping to behave well this time, passed my licensing examination and thus finally re-established my life goals. Later, I called upon my Guru to complain that my 'Centered Consiousness' during meditation was being faced with a new distraction - a shadow of my wife's face. My Guru could not help laughing and said, "You better take a break " . I obediently suspended my meditation temporarily. In just a couple of round trips home and back, my life had been wonderfully renewed. ( newsletter article of WRPH hospital, Michigan, published 1997 ) (Back to contents)